Life, as it is.

I sit here in front of the computer. Reminiscing. Thinking about how it was. Reflecting. Isn't it ironic how something can have a massive impact on your life without you having no control over it whatsoever? Blaming yourself for something you know could never change in a century of existence and of hope. Wasting a life that should have been filled with joy, surrounded with friends. Friends that fill the void that was and never will be.

Love. What is this? What is this feeling? How does it feel? Can it be stopped? If not, can it be avoided? Do you want to avoid it? To stop it from coming? I don't. Though I don't know what it is, I don't care. What I care for is how nice it feels. How the ecstasy of love feels. How much pain one experience. How much agony to the point of suicidal feels "just" because of one person. Just because of the phrase: "Can we just be friends?" "No, we can't! You're my life! The sole joy in the existence of this loner wandering the depths of life, of existence not worth living if you may not be a part of it." "Sorry, but this is not a feasible choice and it would never be" "Feasible! Why would I care about something feasible! I don't care about being logical! I have fought what's logical for love. . . I have sacrificed everything for you. . ." "I'm so sorry." You know, those things. Leaving you breathless and enveloped in sadness. So that when you're there, it actually means something . Something you know you will cherish. Something you have been waiting for. Fulfillment and joy you have been dreaming when you tasted a bit of love's venom.
Is there such? An invisible force that controls our lives to what they or it thinks best or appropriate for the accumulated sins we have done over time. From our previous lives as debts or on our future selves for preparation. But, plans never work as they should, don't they. It often gets botched up by something spontaneous omitted from the calculation. Ultimately, we may never know. Why? Because of the the overt ignorance of humans. Of our overt denial of something to be true just because we cannot study it. Of our apparent denial of something that is so real but we nevertheless ignore because we cannot see it or touch it. We are fools. Our brains are the simplest. Our superiority, as we say it, is nothing in comparison to the vastness of the universe. We can never be able to process these things because of our harsh contradiction to spirituality but of our open arms to science. Can't you see that the more we know of our planet and beyond, the more haunting the questions about reality appears?
This is a part of a series. Hopefully, there's someone out there reading it. Thanks. . .